Erika in Ireland

I really love my job, I do. I like it when it is busy. But I don't like when you have the feeling that you are behind, that you have to much left before deadline. Ok, I don't really have deadlines, but I do need to stay in contact with my customers regularly. When I was ill, my colleagues were supposed to help me with my most urgent cases, the one that really needed help right away. I came back, and no one had taken one of my cases! That meant that I had to go back on taking calls, with a big backlog. And on top of that, I am responsible for letters, so I had to do them. Suddenly I was up in over 30 open cases. That is a lot!!
I am trying to work as fast as I can, while I am taking calls as well, but it is difficult. Most of the cases requires me calling the customer or somewhere else and I can't do that when I am taking calls.
Well, I am working fine and could close a lot of cases today, but then I got 6 new letters, and I had the same amount as I had this morning.
I still love my job and I am busy the whole time, which means that the day is just passing by in no time, that is usually a good thing, but not right now since I have so many things to finish.

Except that, I have slept bad the last few days, I got the same symptoms again as the ones I had when I went to the hospital, not as serious though. And since I don't have time to get sick again, I didn't say anything and just tried to ignore it.

When I got home to my boyfriend who has been off today, I hoped to see something done, at least the trash taken out..what do you think?
I asked him what he had done today, and said in the same sentence "probably nothing" and he looked at me and said "Yes I have!" I looked surprised and he told me that he had called the bank to set up a direct debit to my account and he had washed the frying pan! And he said it as if he had cleaned the whole flat twice!

So I ate, and started to clean. I don't have the energy to say anything. When I asked why he had done nothing he said "this is my first off day for a long time", he was off Saturday and Sunday...but with big hang overs. Is that my fault?
I am just letting it go. I am having a cup of tea and will clean up a bit before I go to bed. I really need to get some more sleep so I can handle the day tomorrow.

Oh, and by the way. I am trying to make friends here. On Thursday I am gonna go to the pub with a few guys, and hopefully a girl =) and have a few beers. My boyfriend will be sooo pissed off if he knows they are guys, but I will tell him and they know very well that I have a boyfriend, they have worked with him.

And I guess I am going up to Belfast this weekend. If Fredrik has not thrown our stuff away already. I will be a little sad then. I will survive without them, but my cooking book that I got as a christmas gift two years ago, is up there.

Well, need to go now..

Why a m I surprised? Remember I told you yesterday that Tore had promised to go out for lunch with me today? And that I said that there was a 99% chance that he would back out of some reason?

Well, I had lunch alone today...
Tores excuse today? He didn't have the energy at the moment, and he needed a shower...we almost had a fight I told him that I really had looked forward to having lunch together with him today. To do SOMETHING. Go down to town and maybe just walk in the sunshine (cause it is sunny today for once)
He said that we could go for dinner then, around 8 instead. And I told him that I will go to bed early to bed today and he knows that, so I wont have time for dinner. I begged him to come with me. No.
I left alone and walked around in town It is nice, but it would have been better with him. And as I forget and forgive very quickly, I decided to bring him home some late lunch/dinner.

I walked home and shouted in the hallway. No answer. I went in to the kitchen. Empty. And I just felt so tired. So disappointed. I looked at the mess, he hadn't even bothered to take out the trash. (Like always)

I called him. He answered. I asked him where he was. He was out to make dinner reservation for him, Björn and Modde. He had left about half an hour after I left. Or even earlier. He probably just waited til I was out of the building before he got ready. And I asked him "so you do have the energy to go out for dinner with them, but not for lunch with me?" "No" was his answer. ??? I told him that I had brought dinner for him and he just said "that was cute of you"
I just felt SOO angry. He promised to call me after they had made reservations and we said goodbye. I have promised myself not to cry over him. But I can't help it. I just felt so angry, so alone.
I had to punch something. I slammed the door, I kicked the wall, and I felt the tears in my eyes. Sometimes I just hate him. I get surprised every time he disappoints me, since I am an optimist.

Question: Can you be lonely in a relationship?
Answer: Seems like it. I AM lonely.

We do not see each other more than a few days a week (even though we live together), and still we never do anything together. He promised that we would do something yesterday since he was going out for dinner with a few colleagues today. Did we do anything? No, because he called in sick because he had a big hangover. He came home at 6 in the morning and was completely wasted.
When I came home one morning after a big party, (I had fallen asleep on the couch) he was so angry that I barely could speak to him. Absolutely not be in the same room as him.

I don't mind him going out to get wasted, to see his friend or whatever, but please, I am his girlfriend and should have just a little priority. At least be on the same level as his friends. But I am soo much lower. Is that how it should be?

I am worrying. About the stuff that is left up in Belfast. There is a bag and a box with my and Tore's stuff and I know that our friend is moving out of the flat during the next few days. I wonder what they will do to the things if I have not picked them up before they move. I will text our friend and ask if he can bring them to his new place and I'll promise I will get up next weekend. I will try to explain that I have been in the hospital and needed this weekend to recover.
I am a bit disappointed that Tore has not been up as he promised, but I am not surprised. That is the sad truth.

He seems to not care at all what happens to the things we have there. Mine AND his. But that is how it is with everything. He don't really seem to care a lot about stuff that is important to me. I know that he came to the hospital while I was there and brought me stuff, and I love him for that, but can't he just keep another promise once in a while? Or am I just completely blind and he does actually keep his promises?

I am up this late since I have a headache. I spoke to Tore when I came in from my midnight walk and he said that he would come to bed within half an hour. I have heard that before. I was out in the living room an hour later, since I didn't want to go to bed before him. Can be nice to go to bed at the same time for once (have happened one time in the last 2 months) and he just said that I had only been gone for 30 min and refused to believe me. Anyway, he got annoyed and I went back to reading in the bedroom and came out another hour later. Then he got almost angry. I probably get upset over nothing, but it feels like I don't have more energy left for this.
He complains that I want attention all the time, he DO give me attention, but not for more than 5, maybe 10 min in a row. I would prefer just having a few hours with his whole attention, watching a movie, "talk" (not the serious kind, just normal chatting), making dinner together, take a walk, play in bed ;) but he does not have time. He is tired and it is his "day off" so he can't do ANYTHING, especially not help me clean up the mess or wash some clothes.

He IS working eleven hours at work, I KNOW that, but I work as well, and I still come home and clean and make dinner et cetera. I AM tired, but I take that time anyway. I feel like I am the housewife with a cigarett in one hand, this disgusting round things in my hair and an ugly robe with old slippers. The typical nagging bitch. Have we been married for 20 years already? That is how I feel right now.
No intimacy, no conversations, no doing stuff together. He sits up to 6 in the morning, and complains and try to send me to bed if I am up longer than 12. I understand he want some private time, but where am I supposed to sit? In the bedroom doing nothing? My laptop is in the kitchen/living room and that is where I have to keep it.

I guess I am just that nagging bitch after all. I am trying not to be. I really do. I am trying to not annoy him with my presence. Sick isn't it?
I was the most outgoing happy girl ever before I met him and moved in with him. I have grown up, and I do not blame him for anything. I have not been wanting to go out for a long time, but I also know that when I have, he has always been there to make me feel guilty when I get home late and is tipsy or drunkish...

I am trying to make friends here. I am starting to get a few. Not any close ones though, I am quite sick of getting close friends since I know that they will leave (or I) sooner or later. Often sooner. I am gonna try to go out and have fun in the weekends now. But I want to see him sometimes. We do not see each other, Wednesday to Saturday since he is working so it is natural that I want to do something with him. Fuck this! I am just complaining...and it is late and I have a headache. You know I love this guy, sometimes I wonder why, but he makes me happy =) all couples have ups and downs.

I am planning to go down to the city centre tomorrow and have lunch, we decided to go together, but I can tell you that there is a 99% chance that he will come up with an excuse not to go...I'll tell you later =)

Now I am gonna try to get to sleep...

Sounds comforting right? I had felt weird 5 days in a row. I had been to the hospital once already, at the GP once and been sent home twice from work. When they  sent  me home on Monday, they told me that I should go and check this at the hospital again, at a neurologist, since this made no sense. I went home, felt all sickly even though I was fine by then, and when I woke up Tuesday I thought. It is not happening again...
It took a few hours and then all went dizzy again and I saw double and my balance disappeared. I told Tore to call a taxi and we went to the hospital. I was almost fine when we finally met a nurse, but still very unsteady, so Tore and the nurse had to lead me.
She says that she will have to take my blood pressure and I complain that I hate it. Everything was fine, and then she said "I will need to take a blood sample as well. I thought I was gonna die. I went all hysterical, started hyperventilate and cry. I squeezed Tores hand til it was nothing, or at least til I almost fainted. God, that is a lovely feeling...You are just floating away and it doesn't hurt anymore and you do not care what they do.

Then she sent us out in the waiting hall again and said that they were very busy so we would maybe have to wait about two hours. That sounded ok to me. I sent Tore home so he could shower and wake up since I woke him up with the demand calling a taxi and he was back after 2½ hours. Still not called in.
3 hours passed. 4 hours. Tore was angry and went in and asked what they were doing. Came back with nothin. 5 hours passed. He went in again and they said that he patients that were more urgent, on my journal it said "the dizzy girl". No wonder I have had to wait! Tore came back, and when almost 6 hours had passed, I finally managed to send him home. I mean, it was his off day. Tore wasn't too happy with this, but I told him that there were no point for him staying here.

He left and after 20 min, they called me in. Finally! I thought. Silly me. A nurse sat me in a room, took my blood pressure and said that the doctor would come by anytime soon. 30 min passed. Another nurse came in and wanted to take my blood pressure. I told her that someone else had already done that, "I can't see it here" she said and took it again. Then she left. About 1 hour later a doctor finally shows up.

I tell her my symptoms and she does the usual tests, pointing at the nose, walking, seeing, feeling etc. Asked me millions of questions and then said.. "Hmm, I don't know what's wrong with you"...and walks off.
I felt sooo much more comfortable with that...
I heard her discuss with other doctors in a room nearby, and she came back a few min later. Hmm, we are gonna do some tests.
I have to sit and wait in another waiting room for 45 min before someone picks me up for my CT-scan. Done and back to the emergency department. I have to stand there waiting for another 15 min before they find me a "bed". i thought "great, i'll get a room". But what was I thinking? I got a kind of a stretcher, but a little more comfortable. In a corridor!! Together with about 8 others along the wall!!
And the nurse said I should be "lucky" since this was the "quiet" corridor! I was in chock. In the middle of that, a man came and asked me to sign for my insurance company so that I would not have to pay for my stay. That would be about 800 euro per night!!
800 euro for a stretcher in a corridor?!

I stayed at the hospital for nearly three days, doing tests but mostly just lying on my back or sitting on my ass, bored. Until my lovely boyfriend came buy with his homer slippers, some comfy clothes, toothbrush and  ipod. The everything was a bit better.
But still, three days in the hospital, and all they found was nothing? They sent me home a few hours ago telling me everything was fine. I haven't had any symptoms during my stay, but it wouldn't surprise me if they came back tomorrow or something.

What I do know now do is: I'm gonna look up if the private hospital is better, faster and has a little bit better food at least and if not, I will fly home from now on.